The question we are asked the most when we speak with our readers is “how can I get more confidence?”
The truth about this is that the only path to true self-confidence is through work, but not a physical kind of work, work that involves constant internal assessment of our emotions, language, thoughts, and actions, and through working on total self-awareness, and towards total authenticity.
The dictionary definition of confidence “a feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgment” I would add to that an understanding and loving acceptance of one’s flaws. It’s ok that you aren’t perfect, and you don’t always have to be positive or nice. (nice and kind are very different ways of being, being nice is inauthentic, being kind is authentic )
You can gain confidence in your abilities, which is one aspect of self-confidence and a great place to start. When you feel proud of what you do you feel confidence, and that feeling is what you want to expand into every area of your life. You can start building confidence in your abilities by trying, failing and succeeding, on rotation, to the point of mastering a skill.
The other part of confidence is knowing that you have great qualities and instincts while also accepting the less likable and darker parts of yourself. True confidence is absolute authenticity about who you are, the good the bad and the ugly; it also knows the difference between ego/bravado and real confidence.
- Ego and bravado are loud, brash, angry, proud, snobby, fearful, insecure, cruel, opinionated, vain, fixed, aloof and self-focused, ego is all about me
- Confidence is quite, knowing, sure, supportive, secure, kind, inclusive, creative, helpful, dynamic and group or community focused. True confidence is about giving to others.
We all bounce between the two realms of ego and confidence it is natural, normal and ok; the important thing is being aware of when you are acting from your ego or acting with confidence and adjusting yourself as you see the need to.
Here are Three Direct ways you can start developing lasting unshakable self-confidence
1. Service to others
Helping others is the best and quickest way to feel confidence, it’s also a great way to help yourself master a skill, teach what you know to someone else and see how quickly you internalize what you are teaching and discover something new that you couldn’t see before. Building others up in turn builds you up, and the opposite is true, putting others down in turn puts yourself down.
2. Take on leadership roles
Leadership opportunities don’t t have to be big. Leadership can be standing up for someone who is being bullied, making a request you wouldn’t normally make, taking the opportunity to learn something new, taking responsibility for something you did that hurt someone, or even putting your hand up in class and asking a question. Another great to build up leadership experience is by starting an FRANQ GIRL Club at your school or in your neighborhood/community. We have created four leadership building social justice based projects for you so that you can build leadership experience, and confidence.
3. Pay attention to how you speak about yourself and others.
How do you talk about yourself and how do you talk about others?
The ”I am” statement is the most powerful statement you can make about yourself. When you say “I am” you are stating something absolute about yourself, but the other side of that is what you state is also a choice. You can say I am dumb, I am ugly, I am not confident, but you can just as easily choose to say I am brilliant, I am beautiful, and I am full of confidence, what you say you are is who you will become and determines how you will act.
How you talk about and think about others is in actuality a mirror of how you feel about yourself, not them, let that sink in for a min.
If you use kind words for yourself and those around you, even if you don’t agree with them or like them, you will start feeling a deep sense of self-love and self-confidence.
To start building self-confidence ask yourself these questions every day. You can mull them over in your head, or write them down.
- Is how I’m acting coming from my ego or a deep sense of love?
- Is how I am speaking about someone else loving or cruel?
- When I speak poorly of others what am I saying about myself?
- Are the “I am” statements I am using for myself chosen to build my confidence up or are they used to tear myself down?
- How can I be kinder to myself and others?
- How can I leave someone else feeling happier and more confident just for being around me today?
- Is how I’m reacting to this situation with love or with my ego?
- What leadership opportunities can I take on today? They don’t have to be big.
- What can I learn from any failures or upsets I’ve had today?
- What have I gotten better at and closer to mastering?
- What can I work on getting better at tomorrow?
- What is something new I’ve learned today?
- What have I done today that was difficult, intellectually, emotionally, physically?
- What were my successes today? They don’t have to be big
- How can I express myself more fully, in my speech in my actions and how I present myself?
- What can I take responsibility for today?
If you do these things, constantly and consistently you will build up an unshakable self-confidence and deep love and happiness, not only for yourself but all of humanity.
Finally, watch this video
Your confidence has a direct connection to your imagination and your creativity and does not come from anything outside of you. You are the source of your confidence, and you are the source of your lack of confidence.
“You are what you love and not what loves you.”